With many of my mom friends writing their children’s birth stories, I got to thinking. I haven’t written my kids’ birth stories. Not because I don’t want to remember them, but I just don’t think they were anything too out of the ordinary. Thus, I decided to infuse elements of fiction into the story. I won’t tell you what they are, you’ll just have to read and guess.
Evan’s Birth Story
A little over a year ago, I was living a happy life in Arkansas with my husband and three year old. We were normal people in every way. except that I was a secret agent.
One day, as I was eight months pregnant, I was walking through the parking lot after an exciting day of fighting villains. Suddenly, a big black van pulled up and men with guns appeared! They put a black pillow case over my head, threw me in the van, and stuck a needle in my neck. As I began losing consciousness, I thought, this sounds like every secret agent show I’ve ever seen. How cliche.
I woke up in a dark room with a table and a lamp, my arms tied behind my back. Two larger than average men in dark suits started talking to me.
“We know you have the secret information. Tell us what it is!”
I assured them I had no idea what they were talking about. Using my amazing secret-agent skills at manipulating men using my feminine wiles (remember I was eight months pregnant), I convinced them to explain why I was there.
“Many years ago, our secret agency of bad-guy-villains discovered an ancient prophecy about a baby who had such a perfect genetic structure, that their genome could be used to cure all sicknesses and make mankind live forever. Our boss wants us to find the baby and keep it to ourselves so that our people would live forever and the rest of the world would die of sickness and old age. This baby is the ticket to limitless power!” they explained.
Seeing that my baby had a high probability of holding perfect genetics (have you met his daddy? Woo-wee!) I realized that the baby could be in danger of being kidnapped by the bad guys and used for science experiments. We had to get out of there.
Using my fast-action ninja moves that I’d perfected in the secret-agent academy, I leaned forward out of my chair and rolled on my pregnant belly under the table and out the other side. Before the men in black suits could react, I’d already kicked them both in the groin, stolen the handcuff keys, and freed myself.
I had to get out of there. I opened the door and ran down a dark hallway to an elevator. As I pushed the button, I remember thinking how funny it would be to have the baby in an elevator just like all the movies.
Just as the elevator doors opened, more dark-suited men came running down the hallway toward me, this time with big guns in their hands. I pushed the “door close” button and hid behind the wall. As the doors started closing, the men started shooting, all the while getting closer and closer. The men were nearly there when the doors closed. The elevator took me to the main floor and I made a quick getaway.
Back at home again that night, I informed my secret agency of my adventure. They relocated us to San Antonio.
Once settled in a temporary apartment, we started shopping for houses. With a 30 day contract on the apartment, 35 days until our due date, and nowhere to go, we shopped for houses in a rush. We picked one, it failed the inspection, so we picked another. By the time we were ready to buy the house, our 30 day apartment contract was out and we bunked with cousins for a few days.
I went into labor as I was making dinner for our cousins and us. Evan was born at about 10:00 pm, not breathing. The entire world stopped as I watched the nurses clear his airway, put oxygen on him, and pump his chest. He was turning grey and limp. The nurses turned the oxygen higher in his mask and he suddenly started squirming and crying. He became pink. The most frightening moment of my life had passed. My baby was ok.
The next day, our Realtor and the title agent came to our hospital room and we signed papers to the house. The following day, Evan and I were released from the hospital and went home to a new house full of boxes. Our new life had begun.
I’ve been working as a secret agent ever since my body was healed enough to go back to work. My mission now: defeat the bad-guy-villains before they kidnap my child with perfect genes. I will not rest until my baby and the world is safe.